Show notes:

153.The Self-Awareness vs the Self-Confidence gap and their Relation to Imposter Syndrome

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Welcome to the Empowered brain, the only podcast using science, psychology and coaching to help you rewire your brain and create a life you love with your host, Dr. Vanessa Calderon, a Harvard grad physician, master coach, and mother of two.

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Hi, sweet friends. Welcome back to the podcast. Before we jump into our content today, I have one request for all of you, I need your help. If you are enjoying this podcast, and you keep coming back and listening or just referring to it to your friends, I would love your help rating the podcast and leaving a review the way the algorithms work in the podcast when you rate them and review them, it helps other people find them. So it really helps me help more people. And so if you wouldn't mind, please rate the podcast wherever you're listening to it. And if you're on a platform where you can drop a review, it does not have to be long, a short, sweet review is fine. But please leave a review.

Alright, let's jump into the content. Today we're talking about something that I call the self awareness gap versus the confidence gap. And this is coming from an experience that I had recently, as I was giving a workshop on a lot of the same things we talked about here, wellness and the resilience for a group of Orthopedic Surgeons. So in the world of orthopedic surgery, it's still heavily male in the field. So if you're an orthopedic surgeon, you're likely a man. And so in this group that I went to go lecture, there were all men and one woman, one woman surgeon. And it was really fascinating what I saw, because as we were teaching and having these discussions, one of the things we did is I gave them the self assessment that they all had to take in right where they were uncertain areas of their life. And as they were waiting for themselves, I was walking around watching how they were answering the questions.

And the one woman in the room, she was one of two people that had really spent time meditating and experiencing mindfulness and really trying to make that an active practice. And based on discussions we had had in that group, before the self assessment, she was the one of the only people in the room that had actually been practicing this. So I'm walking around the room, and then watching her rating themselves. And I see the way she gave herself a rating that was really low in mindfulness. And one of the other students there right before he even answered the question, asked me, Hey, what's mindfulness? Like? What does mindfulness mean? And I explained to him, and he gave himself a nine and a half out of 10. And that was fascinating, because as I walked around, that's what I saw. All the men were rating themselves really high on this self assessment, where she was reading herself really low on most of the self assessment. And that confidence gap is not something new, you know, in the world of females and leadership and career, it's well documented in the literature. And I know the data, and I see it, and I teach about it all the time. But I think just watching it happen in that room, for me was like, wow, it's shocking to me, every time I see it continued to happen.

So I wanted to create this episode to, I guess, one, validate the experience of women, if you are in these careers, where you're feeling like an imposter or you're feeling insecure, I want to let you know that one, you're not alone. And two, it's not your fault. You know, it's not easy to feel super confident when you're living in a world that was not created for you. And it's, on the contrary, easy to be confident when you are living in a world and you work in institutions that were created for you and by you. And by that I mean, created for you, and by you if you're a man is specifically a white man. So if this sounds confronting for you, and you're a man listening and you haven't done your own work on privilege, this is going to sound confronting, and my invitation to you is to listen and ask yourself, you know, be open to the possibility of this being true. You know, in my experience, what I've seen as you know, it's easy to be confident when you live and work in institutions that were created by people that look like you. So, you know, it's easy to run businesses. When you look around you and you see other people that look like you running businesses, other men, other white men, you're running in those circles, it's easy for you to want to run for office. When you see other politicians that look like you, you know to invest money when you see the people that are investing money look like you.

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So I share that because, you know, we often make this confidence problem, a female problem, like it's a woman's fault that they're lacking confidence. And really, perhaps it's more of a self awareness problem. So I wanted to start right there with the stuff that's kind of obvious, you know, by naming the obvious reasons why women and people of color might be experiencing that confidence gap when you know, but I start with the obvious because I think it'd be a disservice to us, if we don't name the things that are obvious first, because if you are listening, and you have an X Y chromosome, and you identify as a man, it's, I think, important for us to start with the with the things that you might still not want to acknowledge to be true. And by the way, you know, oftentimes when women talk about these issues, they're labeled man haters.

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Or they're labeled angry, or they're labeled as being too emotional. And it's a way in my experience, that men have discredited women, for calling out truths that feel uncomfortable to them. So if that is where your brain is going, I just want to name that and say, you know, be curious if that's where your brain is going. Be curious, because perhaps what you're also trying to do is discredit what you're listening to right now, because it might feel uncomfortable or confronting. Okay, so now that that's out of the way, let's talk about some reasons why there could be a lack of self awareness, we know why there's a lack of confidence, right? Like your, if you are feeling that confidence gap. It's because again, not your fault, you live in a world in a society that wasn't created for you, you don't see people that look like you leading, it's really uncomfortable to try to show up in spaces where you are othered, even if it's subconscious, or autonomic. It's not always conscious. But even in those spaces, it's really uncomfortable.

So let's talk about why the self awareness gap, you know, why that exists. So I preface this by saying that I coach, I've coached a lot of men in the leadership space. And that's where this is coming from. Because in my experience in coaching men, I've seen the most fascinating trends. And I realized that, you know, coming from a place of compassion and curiosity, what I have seen as a hold space for men to have their own transformation is a huge part of this is, you know, the biases that we hold that I hold as a woman and men hold as men. You know, one of the biggest ways that we are socialized, as we all know, women are socialized to be caregivers, whereas men are socialized, to be strong, to be protectors, to be providers. And that is a huge disservice to the men that we're raising, when we raise men to be, they have to be strong, they have to be protectors, they have to be providers.

What that means is that the other way, might not be the right way to have emotion to be, you know, to show any other vulnerability that may look on as weak. And so in my experience, when you are a man, and you're navigating the world, and you are navigating your own socialization, which is to be strong, protect and provide, it's really, really tough to let in any internalized, you know, to question those internalized biases that you're holding, especially if you have to show up a very certain and specific way to be successful. So for example, in that group of Orthopedic Surgeons, they had to pretend like they were all cool with the fact that they weren't present for the birth of their kids. And it was like joking, like, oh, yeah, you know, I was a resident or it was really hard or whatever, I dropped my wife off no big deal, or I had a day off, no big deal. And when I had them pause, and really just like, dig in a little bit and said, That's so fascinating.

It's interesting that you think it's okay, and all of them, clearly did not. But that's just, you know, when you live in a world where you make light of things like that, or you joke about things like that. You feel like that's the trend, like that's how you have to show up to so to be successful. You have to show up a certain way. And, you know, I understand that there's a fear there, right? Like, what if you don't show up that way? What would that mean? What would people think about you? How would people perceive you? What if I didn't show up and show some emotion? What would I be like? How would I be perceived? And that was a big topic of conversation I've had with a lot of men that I've worked with in coach, which is what have you made earrings mean? What have you made emotions mean? Because you know

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Where I have heard over and over again is when you are emotional, you will lose credibility or you will appear weak, or you will appear vulnerable. And first of all, nobody wants to seem vulnerable, myself included. But when you assume that emotions or feelings will make you, you know, like lose credibility, or nobody will respect you, if you show up that way, then of course, you're going to push that away, of course, you're not going to want to show up that way, of course, you're going to take the stance of being more confident in all of those spaces. And the truth is, like, I'm a woman, you know, and I had internalized this same bias, which is why I showed up, like, you know, as some would say, very, with a ton of masculine energy, showing up in spaces very, like, let's get to the bottom of this, let's get some answers. Let's, you know, other things. Here's another obvious thing, all the things that are related to women as being, you know, the B word like, Why is she so?

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Why is she such a, b, when really, I'm just doing what I saw other successful people do. But of course, as a woman, you can't do that. Because of course, you know, we live in a world that still sexist. Okay, so it takes a lot of courage and a lot of self awareness to notice this, if you're a man and choose to be different, it takes a lot of courage to notice that you don't want to be that person that needs to, you know, not having motion to, you know, to be disconnected. It takes a lot of courage and courage, it's really uncomfortable. It's scary to decide to be different than the people around you. And it's scary to decide to be different than what society has told you, you had to be takes a lot of self awareness to do that, to start questioning is this who I want to be, especially if you still think you need to prove yourself out in the world, especially if you don't think you're successful enough.

If you don't think you've achieved enough, if you are still thinking you need to prove yourself, you're gonna show up in a way that's inauthentic. And it's fear based, and I get it. You know, if your livelihood depends on it, it's really tough to show up in a different way. You know, the truth is, though, that it does happen, you know, in my experience holding space for men in their own transformation, it happens, sometimes it happens organically, with age, you know, there comes a point in your life, when you realize what actually matters. And you realize you don't need to prove yourself anymore. And you start showing up more authentically as you and acknowledging all of you, including your feelings, including your vulnerabilities, and that's really powerful.

You know, New Age, had even a new age, I would just say, the more transformative leaders or leaders that are connecting to what it really means to show up and be compassionate and empathic and caring. And those things can seem vulnerable, they can feel vulnerable, even saying those words. Sometimes the acknowledgement that I need to be more connected, I need to be more aware, comes from a trauma, like a divorce. You know, you think you're living this life providing for your family and providing for your children. And you think that's what you're supposed to be doing, being really strong going out there working really hard. And all of a sudden, you come home to this threat of divorce or to your significant other telling you that sorry, this isn't who I wanted to be married to. And you're like, hold on a second, I didn't even know anything was wrong.

But there was a huge disconnect. Right? They felt disconnected. And that starts having you question How have I been living my life? Who have I been? Is this who I want to continue to be? Sometimes that comes from love, you notice that? Perhaps you want to be more connected to the people that you love your kids, your significant other. And you realize that to do that you have to come to terms with who you are and how you've been showing up. I had this neighbor many years ago who was raising a child who had declared who was born

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X X chromosome and decided they were going to transition to x y they were born in a female body and identified as being male and they were transgender. And the child made the declaration very early, like three and a half or four years old, and a lot of people doubted whether that person actually knew themselves enough? Does that child know themselves enough to make this decision? And the mom there is a traditional Mom Dad relationship in this house and the mother was holding space for the child and really like letting the child be themselves when the child didn't want to wear pink dresses or girly bathing suits. You

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and wanted to wear the shorts that the brother wore and wanted to cut his hair and wanted to have a different name. The mom was holding space, whereas the dad was really doubtful and saying that, you know, initially, you're it's because of you that he's been like this, it's because of you that he thinks it's okay to be like this. And there was a lot of back and forth there. And when the father realized, okay, so if we are going to be if we're, if we want to help our child really grow up and be confident in who they are, perhaps I need to start questioning who I am. And it wasn't that easy.

He went to I remember, specifically, they were going away for a conference for families raising transgender children that the mom had found and really wanted the dad to go to. And they were going away. And they had asked us to help with their pet when they were away, which is how I came to know about them going to this conference. And when they had asked, I was like, Oh, where are you guys going. And I hadn't talked to the mom who I love dearly. But the I was talking to the father who was like, Oh, we're just going to a conference. And he didn't really get into it. So they didn't know where they were going. Anyway, they went away, went to the conference, they came back on Sunday, and

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I went to go chicken on them. And I talked to the data again, I was like, Oh, how was your conference? And he shared so much from a place of vulnerability. And this is a six for cisgender, white man who had been in the military, grew up very traditional, and you know, had his own biases about sexual orientation. And it was so fascinating to have heard his transformation. When he came back, one of the things he said was, I had never asked myself my story, or questioned my own story or my own privilege. And he said those words.

And it was fascinating, because what he had learned at that conference is that when you are transgender, and you have one parent, who supports you, the likelihood of you growing up confident and loving yourself and your rate of suicide decreases by 50%. And when you have two parents that hold space for you, and love you and accept you for who you are, your rate of suicide is the same exact as if you were being raised as a cisgendered.

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You know, fully accepted human. And when he read that statistic, and realized how much he loved his child and didn't want his child to suffer from all the mental health issues that can get can be experienced by transgender, by transgender people, he completely shifted. And that is what I talk about what I mean love, sometimes you notice your transformation, and your awareness comes from the space of love. So you start questioning yourself and creating more self awareness. And, and it can also come from, you know, deciding when when you become a parent of women, you become a parent of girls, and you start noticing what they experience. Or you marry a woman who is very strong willed or starts questioning the way things have always been, you start asking yourself, you know, Jul, have privilege.

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again, you know, the transformation of men or their step into awareness comes from will come from a lot of different experiences in life, big ones being, you know, for example, one of the orthopedic surgeons who I spoke with who I just have so much reverence for, who was actually the person that invited me to come out to this conference, he had this beautiful level of awareness for him that came from being from a place of service, like wanting to make sure that his fellow colleagues, the orthopedic surgeons that he mentored and worked with, that they grew up to be more aware, having lives that were fulfilling. And that was just such a beautiful conference. So, again, you know, the, your, your way into self awareness will come from usually,

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you know, a place of acknowledging, first that you might have privilege, but also acknowledging that you want to live a life that's fulfilling, that's kind that you don't want to have to prove yourself to anyone. One of the other reasons why we see lack of self awareness, again, is incredibly fear based. You we talked about emotions a lot a second ago. And, you know, the fear can also come from what it would mean for you to lean into self awareness. If you if what it would mean is that it would question your success, it would question your privilege and your power, that's incredibly uncomfortable. And so doing the work of self awareness is actually more uncomfortable for your brain than not doing the work so why do the work.

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Your brain is going to lean into things that are the easiest that take the least amount of energy to do. And for many of us, that means not doing the uncomfortable work of acknowledging our privilege, because that's so uncomfortable for our brain. And so our brain doesn't want to do that. Because what would the truth bring up, perhaps, if you're living in a male body or a white body, that is going to mean that you now have to start to ask yourself is my success not only due to my talent, but perhaps also because I was privileged? Because I, you know, you know, we talk about biases all the time. And when we talk about them, I think often people lean into the negative biases. But when there's negative biases, there's also positive biases that come when people see you as a white man, you know, assuming specific things about you than if you were, for example of brown or black woman. I have this colleague who I work with who lives in a white body, he's a he's a male living a non white male body. And, and he's very smart.

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And he has a really interesting level of insight for a lot of the work that we're doing. And he also is holding on so tightly to refusing to acknowledge that he might be living a different lived experience than some of his colleagues who are female, or who are people of color. And I think it's really fascinating to watch him hold on so tight to his idea that the lived experience is the same. And laugh because it's so bizarre to me to think that somebody's like, in this day and age, been around so many women and people of color, this person is that you are still refusing to acknowledge somebody else's lived experience. It's fascinating to me, you know, when, when we talk about specifically when we're in circles, and this person's around, and we talk about gender biases, or we talk about a bias for being a person of color, he immediately wants to chime in and say, no, no, no, me too. I have that too. So it can't possibly be because you're a woman, or it can't possibly be because you're a person of color. And it's just fascinating to watch him argue that his lived experience as a privileged, you know, smart, educated, very, very like well to do, he makes a lot of money, white man is exactly the same as a colleague of his who's an immigrant. And this isn't me, by the way, but he does this with me too, but

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is exactly the same as an immigrant who has an accent, who's a female, who's, you know, like a woman with a slightly darker color with darker skin, that they have the same exact lived experience. It's so fascinating to watch him hold on so tightly. I think that's one of the reasons why I started holding space for a lot of men that wanted to do this work, because I realized, there's so much fear, you know, of course, I'm holding on to this so tightly and wanting to argue so tightly,

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you know, in my experience it is usually because he hasn't done his own work to really undo his own biases. Because it's really uncomfortable to do that work, it's easier to hold on to the fact that it's, it's the same now, you know, in his examples, or what he uses is, but you're here. So if you're here, it must be the same, we must have the same experience. Now. It's not a problem anymore for women, because women are here now.

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You know, it's often used a lot. And it's a trick the brain uses right? When you see one person you assume the problems are over. It's like when Barack Obama was voted president, a lot of people started arguing race isn't an issue anymore. We just voted for a black man for president, which, again, is fascinating.

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this kind of reminds me of the debate, the critical race theory debate of, you know, banning talking about race in schools. One of the arguments that the right made to ban the discussion of race in schools was, it might make white students uncomfortable, to bring up stuff like bring up stuff might make them feel like shame, and it might make them really uncomfortable. So we shouldn't talk about it at all.

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And it's fascinating, because that's at least the acknowledgement that the reason you're avoiding the conversation is because white students might feel uncomfortable, they might feel shame. And so you're at least acknowledging the fact that you want to push it away because it's really uncomfortable to talk about. And that's exactly you know, goes back to this argument that it's really uncomfortable to do your own work and self awareness because of what might come up. You might start

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noticing things that feel like shame. But shame is your way in which you know, going towards shame and walking in to do the work of why you're feeling the shame. That's the way forward. That's how we start unlocking and undoing and creating equitable spaces for everybody.

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And, you know, one of the last few years, the last reason why I realized a lot of men are lacking is self awareness. A lot of the men lack the self awareness work because

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they don't have to do the same self reclamation work that women and people of color get to do, because they don't sense an imbalance of power, because the power dynamic is tilted towards them. If you have a power dynamic tilted towards you, why would you ever feel the need to do any work to undo that it's uncomfortable, it's comfortable to have power, you think that's just the way things are.

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That's just the way the world is. And you don't have to do that same reclamation work that women have to do or people of color have to do, you don't have to question it. So why do the work, and that's a big reason why they lack self awareness. And then, of course, there's people out there that maybe have seen the data, that know the data, and don't want to believe it's true, or they want to blame the other side as being victims. And, you know, there's always people out there that are just gonna always have their own ways of being their own views and assume that this is not a problem. And if that's you, or if it's probably not you if you've listened to the podcast this long, but if you know somebody like that, just know that they get to have their own experience, and they get to have their own thoughts and their own feelings. And we cannot control where people think and feel, I put this podcast episode out there to really validate women and your own experience.

And also, if you are a man, and you want to do this work, I want to let you know that there's a way in that you can do this work for yourself and know that on the other side, there's fulfillment, and there's inner peace. And there's this beauty of equity. And we really create a world for the highest and the greatest good of all, when we all do this work for ourselves. And if that if that's not the person, you know, that you are, or you work in spaces, where there's men that that's just not going to be who they are. And they're going to continue to gaslight and tout the example of you know, of other women or people of color and say that sexism or racism, not problems anymore, there's going to be people like that out there. And, you know, I don't want to be dismissive or passive aggressive here.

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But honestly, like, God bless them to, you know, like, they are living their world to there's people out there like that, too. So, you know, no one out here is perfect, I don't think that I'm more woke than anybody else, I don't think I'm more perfect, I'm still doing my own work every day. So hold, I hold space for their journey so maybe they'll have it, maybe they won't, who knows, but I will hold space for them and see, maybe they will have it. And I also, you know, in case, this gives you permission to let go of thinking that you need to go out there and fight against them, or prove to them that they need to think differently or see differently, or just, I just want to give you the permission to let that go. i For me, I used to be like that and cause more pain to me, not to them. It causes more pain and more anguish and more stress for me thinking that it's my responsibility or my job to go out there and change the minds of these people that are holding so tightly onto what they believe. You're going to hold on so tightly to what you believe. Hold on to what you believe, you know,

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That's the way it is. Maybe you'll have your journey, maybe you won't. Okay, so let's go on. Because I want to end today's topic by giving you some things that we can start doing. If you are a female lacking some self confidence or experiencing insecurity or imposter syndrome in the circles that you run in. I want to give you some tools. And if you are a man that is noticing after listening to this, that perhaps I also lack self awareness I want to give you tools to

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So again, you know, if you are a woman running in these circles, the first thing I will say is if you're experiencing imposter syndrome or insecurity, please give yourself some grace. Hold yourself really, really tightly and offer yourself some compassion because I want you to realize that it's not your fault. There have been systems created for generations, generations that predate us that have kept women on purpose out of power that have kept women doubting their power or that have kept women feeling ashamed of their powers, their centers of power. In fact, here's something that's really fascinating as I was thinking about it when I was creating this podcast episode, if you think about our different energy centers, also known as chakra in the eye or Vedic tradition.

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The second chakra the sacral chakra would is often associated with our centers of power is power, creativity, but also houses like money and sex. So our centers of power, also house money and sex. And women have consistently been either shamed for stepping into their sexual power or shamed for stepping into their financial power. They have been shamed from money and by being told that they shouldn't be too greedy, or, you know, kept literally kept out of financial institutions weren't even able to open a bank account until the 70s, which, by the way, was not that long ago, like a generation ago. So it's, it's wild. So to think, of course, we're going to feel insecure, we're going to feel like imposters, we're going to feel like our is bad, or power is arrogant or power is not for me. Because, listen, it's been by design that we have been shamed out of our own central centers of power.

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So if you are experiencing that insecurity, just know that it's not your fault, give yourself some grace, give yourself some kindness. And when you start flipping the way you look at this and having a different perspective and acknowledging that, perhaps it's not that I'm insecure, perhaps it's perhaps it's that they're lacking a ton of, you know, self awareness, then you get to give yourself grace, and just to hold space for your own experience. And if you are a man out there, I want to also offer you grace to, you know, I want to invite you to give yourself grace, as you're doing your own work to acknowledge your biases and your privilege. It's uncomfortable, 100%, uncomfortable to do. And if you are experiencing guilt, about your biases, I used to start doing this work, because in my experience, as men struggling in to do this work for themselves, one of the things that comes up is like, oh my gosh, like I can't believe that woman has to have that experience, and then they feel guilty.

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You know, I want you to know that, that's normal to feel that. But that also doesn't change the systems that have created this imbalance that has been created. Guilt does not create action, you might feel like you're doing something about it because you feel guilty.

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But guilt is just going to paralyze you, it's just going to keep you stuck. And it's not going to change the systems and actually make the world a better place. So my invitation to you is acknowledge your guilt, and let's put it into action to start writing the systems that have been created. So if you are a man in a position of power, or perhaps you're a leader, perhaps you are a mentor in spaces where you can also mentor other women. I, you know, I'm going to invite you to question the systems, the policies that have been put into place and ask yourself, are these policies also like do they take into account the gender inequities, the race inequities? Do they hold space for women too?

You know, do they make it safe for women, to create families, who then make it safe for a woman to, you know, speak up to be a leader in these spaces? Ask yourself that, because the truth is, we've been doing things the way we've been doing things for a long time. And a lot of us think that that's just the way we need to be doing things, that if you're in a position of power, and by the way, if you are living in a male body, and you are living in a white body, white male body, you likely have a position of power just inherently by you know, by who you are, even if you don't have the title. So even like questioning or asking the question, when you're in conversations, like, what does it look like for us to have family leave? What's our parental leave policy?

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Or how do we like it when a woman has a baby, for example, in residency, they're not like a man, when a man has a baby in residency, they can go to work a few hours later, because they did not have the baby. But when a woman has a baby in residency, she cannot go to work a few hours later, because it's for obvious reasons, right? So what policies do you have in place to, you know, to make sure that a woman can take time off and not, you know, put a huge strain on everybody else there because that's going to create a ton of guilt for the woman and make it really hard for her want to do that and create resentment for her male colleagues. So religious, ask yourself,

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Why are we doing things this way? Does it have to be continued to be done this way? Probably not. How can we do it differently? And again, choose to actively go out and mentor women, I want you to acknowledge that your lived experience is different from the lived experience of your female colleagues, and not from a place of victimhood, like the women are victims. They're doing the best they can. And still, the world is different. There's biases that exist that make it really different, different and difficult to be women a lot of these spaces. So just

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hold space for your female colleagues. All right, sweet friends, we talked about a lot of stuff today. We started talking about the, you know what I'm calling the self awareness gap versus the confidence gap, when we are thinking about women who deal with insecurities and impostor syndrome. And we see these men out there that are incredibly confident, and we talked about why they're why the confidence exists, which, you know, a lot of obvious reasons,

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which have to do with the way the world was created, by the way, not just inherent confidence that these men are born with more confidence, because again, there are babies that are born that are socialized to grow up to be a specific way. And then we talked about why that self awareness is difficult for a lot of men to acknowledge and to grow into. And we talked about a few ways that you can hold space for yourself and really do your work to make the world more equitable, more just and a safer place to be both a woman and a person of color, but to also be a man with self awareness to make the world more safe for you to because the way you create a life that's fulfilling that is a life that you can be proud of with rich relationships is by doing the work to really know yourself as much as possible. Alright, so we're friends and in you all so so so much love, peace and power, and I will see you all next week.

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Hey, sweet friends, if you love what you're learning, then you've got to join us in the journey. It's my all inclusive program and the best community out there giving you the education you never knew you needed to help you create a life you love. Join us at Vanessa Calderon md.com forward slash join. I'll see you there.