Show notes:

110. Self-Forgiveness Part 2: How to Practice Self-Forgiveness with Dr. Melissa Parsons

SPEAKERS
Melissa, Vanessa

Vanessa 00:00
Welcome to the Empowered brain, the only podcast using science, psychology and coaching to help you rewire your brain and create a life you love with your host, Dr. Vanessa Calderon, a Harvard grad physician, master coach and mother of two.

Hello, my little cuties. Welcome back to the podcast, I have a very special guest for you today, a very dear friend of mine at Dr. Melissa Parsons, who I think is just a wealth of knowledge and wisdom. And I love just speaking with her outside of our podcast, just as friends and colleagues and sort of in a mentorship kind of capacity as well, and just learning from her. So I'm so glad I get to share her wisdom with all of you today, I'm gonna let Melissa introduce herself a little bit more, but welcome, my darling,

Melissa 00:53
thank you so much, Vanessa, it is an honor to be here. Of course, I have to introduce myself as a badass Chun gonna, because you taught me that word. And I think it's redundant to say badass, I'm gonna, but I'm going to take it and I'm going to run with it. Perfect. I am a pediatrician by training. And I found coaching in 2018 and was certified to become a life coach in 2020. And I coach women, I say women with brains, one on one at this point to try to introduce them to the idea or teach them the idea of becoming their favorite version of themselves.

And I often use what I call the best friend lens to do that. Because I was noticing in my life that whenever I would talk to any of my really good friends or my bestie from high school, or name's Alicia, I would give them so much more compassion and grace and forgiveness. And I didn't use judgment hardly at all with them. And I was like, Wait, why can't I do that with myself? Like, What would change about my life if I started treating myself as my own best friend, and started doing that in 2018? And it's been a work in progress. And I'm so honored to be able to teach other amazing Jean Goannas to do the same thing.

Vanessa 02:25
Isn't that the truth? How much compassion and love we're able to give to others that we withhold from ourselves because of BS, right? bunch of bullshit that we've been here.

Melissa 02:37
Yeah, societal upbringing. And that, you know, for me, especially through, you know, medicine and that type of thing, that we need to be hard on ourselves in order to be successful. And, you know, the more that we miss trade ourselves, and, you know, ignore our body's like, basic needs, throughout training and that type of thing, and many of us into attending good. You know, that is what is necessary in order to be a good doctor. And it is just such a load of crap.

Vanessa 03:11
Yeah, absolutely. So interesting, too, because depending on you know, all of you that are listening right now, depending on how you were socialized, your what your profession is, the harder on yourself that you are, the more badges of honor that you think you can hold, right, I held my yarn, I haven't paid for this long. I haven't eaten for this long. You know, I think about when I was doing my when I was in medical school, and I would sit through operations or stand through operations, you know, it would be 12 hours before I could eat or pee. And so and all of that was badges of honor. Not until probably for me, I think five years ago, was I finally able to say hold on a second, why am I celebrating the fact that I've worked 12 days in a row? That's bananas?

Melissa 03:54
Thank you, subscribe.

Vanessa 03:57
Oh, totally. So you know, we're, we started talking about self-compassion. But I think that that's a perfect weigh-in to what I was hoping we could talk about today. And what I wanted to talk to you about today, and I want all of you listening to really sort of take this in as a lesson is how we go through a process of forgiving ourselves for past mistakes, you know, and letting that shit go, you know, letting go of the guilt letting go of the shame around that.

Just how we go through that because, you know, you and I were recently at the same sort of Summit kind of conference for physician coaches. And, you know, thinking through that process is something that has been my journey and it's so liberating when you and it's gonna always be a journey, right? It's not the destination, but every time I forgive myself for something else, it just feels so liberating an opening and just opens up a space for me to love myself more which I think is my is ever should be. Should is the journey that we want to be on right the journey I need to just get to know yourself and love yourself.

Melissa 05:02
Yes, absolutely. And I mean, I think the first step for me at least is just acknowledging how whatever it was, whatever it was that I did that I feel like I need to forgive myself for, like figuring out why it made perfect sense to me to do whatever it was that I did that I need that forgiveness for. Because most of us aren't going around and consciously sabotaging our own lives, or the lives that we have the people that we care about, right?

It's usually that we see something as a solution to a problem in our lives or a need that we have to have met or, you know, something like that something that we've ignored, that we haven't taken the time to give to ourselves, and we go seeking that and another person, or you know, or like losing our mind on another person, like being mean, or getting frustrated, or, you know, having road rage, or whatever it is like. And I think just trying to first like make sense, like, oh, wait, why do I think I did that in the first place and trying to come to some understanding and compassion and that type of thing, because it's really easy for us to look back on the things that we have done with judgment. And I really think that the antidote for judgment is curiosity. So like, trying to figure out why did I do that?

Vanessa 06:39
Right? Yeah. And you should figure

Melissa 06:42
that out. It's like, Oh, okay. What is keeping me from forgiving myself, usually, it's something like, in order for me to not make the same mistake, again, I need to beat myself up, or I need to keep reminding myself, like, what a piece of shit I was, or whatever, so that I don't do that again. And I'm here to tell you, it's the complete opposite. Like, once you actually do the work to forgive yourself, and whether that be that you like, go on a walk, or sit out in nature, or you sit with your journal and like write a letter to yourself, or whatever it is, you know, once you go through that process, and you're like, okay, it makes sense that I did this, it's safe for me to forgive myself. Because it doesn't mean that I'm gonna go out and repeat the same thing again. And then going through that process, like coming out the other side of, like, having compassion for myself and loving myself. Not even though but because I did this thing that I need to forgive myself for.

Like, that is so friggin powerful. And I think then, actually the step that most people don't get to, and that sounds really counterproductive, is thanking myself for making that mistake in the first place. So that I could get to this love and compassion for myself and be this more favorite version of me, who has made mistakes, and is probably going to continue to make mistakes. Like, I don't want to live a life where I don't have the chance to make mistakes, because that means I'm living a pretty small life. Right, yeah, I think the step that most people are missing is like going back and thanking that earlier version of you for making the mistake, it seems really crazy to do that. Because, again, socialized to beat ourselves up and tell ourselves how terrible we were in the first place for doing it. Like completely unnecessary, in my estimation.

Vanessa 08:56
That's such a beautiful process that you just walked us through, we just go back and examine each of those steps. Starting with that first one, which I really love, which you said, is curiosity. Because the way I think about it is, you know, we are always doing our best to protect ourselves and protect the people that we love. Yeah. And so it's innate. It's 100% 100%. And when we're doing something that makes us feel guilty, now, what was it about you that you were trying to protect? Let at that point, you know, and for me, and I shared this with you before Melissa, but for me, I held on to so much shame today.

Today when I looked back, I mean, I've forgiven myself for this now, but um, I would hold on to some shame about decisions, I made things that I said because I had so much internalized racism, you know, I felt so so inferior and insecure and I had made so many decisions based on that inferiority that in those feelings, and I would look back and feel so ashamed and I love what you said, like, what are the reasons why you're holding on to that. And a big one that you've just mentioned is you're afraid to repeat that mistake. So you think you need to hold on to it. And I'm sure we can come up with a few other reasons, you know, you don't think you've paid your penance yet? Maybe that's why you hold on to it.

Melissa 10:18
Oh, yeah, I'm a recovering Catholic, like I haven't said enough Hail Marys and our fathers to make up for the mistake that I made, right,

Vanessa 10:29
100% and 100%. So when you go back, and you see it with curiosity first and really say, like, what was that version of me needing you know, and that time, I needed to feel like I belonged, you know? And so whatever it is, what else was that version of you needing in that in that moment, I would just love to include that with curiosity in your step, because that really just opens up, allowing you to see yourself as a human, you know, just like as a human that needed something in that moment.

Melissa 11:02
Yeah. And I mean, to speak to this specific example. Like, once you get to know yourself at this very deep level, and you've gone through the work of forgiving yourself and thanking yourself and that type of thing. What I know for sure, is that you start to belong to yourself. And it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks, what anybody else says, whatever, what anybody else does because you have this deep sense of belonging as I belong to me. That versus and

Vanessa 11:39
that is really profound. Because you know, I have, I have come to understand in my own journey of doing this work, and getting to know the Cormier and really falling in love with a Cormier, that that is true that I, you know, I'm a recovering people pleaser, and I will say that sometimes those tendencies still come up. And today, in fact, I was journaling on this. And I was like, Wait a second, what, what is this issue here that I'm feeling and I've had this dynamic with this person, and I realized that the resistance I was feeling in that dynamic was the fact that I didn't think that person liked me. And I was like, Wait, hold on a second. Isn't that interesting? That's coming up for me? Because who do I want to be? You know, and I want to be the authentic me. And if that person likes that version of me awesome. And if they don't, I'm gonna love them anyway, and go on with my life, you know,

Melissa 12:29
right. And because of that even further, like, once you stop people pleasing, you start to actually like yourself. And you don't need anybody else to like you. It's such a mindfuck. It really is, right? Yes.

Melissa 12:48
why am I doing this thing for this other person who may not ever like me? And I'm doing it. And I'm turning into this version of myself that I don't like because I'm doing something against my will or against my core values, or whatever it is. It's like, oh, no, wait, I can just start by choosing intentionally to do things that make me like me. And then I draw all the people in who have that same value. And like, it's amazing what happens when you are in a group of people who have done this work, and who actually liked themselves. And like, it's such an amazing energy, for me personally, to be in that group of people. Because I get to be exactly me, and the people who love Me will come near me and we will love each other and the people who don't love me, they stay away, and it's okay. I don't have to be for everybody.

Vanessa 13:48
Totally. That's why every time I'm around you, I'm like, let's cuddle Melissa.

Melissa 13:54
I will tell you anytime you want.

Vanessa 13:58
Alright, so let's go back to our steps. Even though that was just such a, it was like such a beautiful, like, kind of an aside that we just went on. So okay, so you see yourself with curiosity, which we talked about, and you get to really like, give yourself so much love and ask yourself, what is it that I needed? Because I feel like for me, that has just opened up so much allowance of forgiveness. Oh, I needed that. Oh, I needed XYZ, you know. And so your second step was what was what

Melissa 14:27
it was? What was my second step? It's such a good question. I don't know what I said.

Vanessa 14:36
I think you've said that. What did you say? So you

Melissa 14:41
curiosity, and then figuring out the exact why right? And then having compassion for yourself

Vanessa 14:49
having compassion. That's it right there. So let's take a pause there because when it's kind of what we talked about earlier, right, curiosity, then you notice what you needed. And then comes Passion. Oh my gosh. That is the ticket right there. Yeah, yeah. Because when you're able to see that, you know, there's this old, an ancient like ancestral Hawaiian prayer, which is so beautiful. And I don't know it word for word, but it's essentially like fourth. And you say to yourself, I'm sorry. You know, I love you. Thank you. And please forgive me.

Melissa 15:25
Yeah. Yeah, it's happy owner. I don't know how to say it. Yes, it's a Hawaiian prayer. And I didn't realize that. That was part of what I was doing. But I mean, I think that that is exactly it, right? And then the beauty of it is personally for me, I think I did it a little bit backward because I had people that I needed to forgive along my journey, in order for me to feel less shame about my body to feel, you know, less shame about my belief system and that type of thing. And I went through the work of forgiving them and thanking them.

And then I was like, Oh, wait, I can also do this with myself. Because I recognized how good it felt to do for other people, even though like, the majority of them are dead and have no idea that I have forgiven them. So I was like, Oh, I can, I can, like, I love to second spread the shit on everything. Like I can put it on everything, including me. Like, What would change for me if I did it for myself? Yeah. And you know,

Vanessa 16:37
I so. So for those of you listening, I want you to think about right now, how it felt when you forgive somebody. How did that feel for you? Because it feels releasing, right? And it feels liberating. And it feels like, you can like close that chapter and go on. That is what's available when you forgive yourself for that same exact experience. Yeah.

Melissa 16:57
of relief. Yes. And release? Yeah, yes, for sure. So good.

Vanessa 17:05
Yeah. So I, and that just gives me chills, because I know how I feel when I forgive myself, you know, and of course, I'm so glad that we get to bring this episode to everybody listening today. Because for me, I didn't understand. Because we're going to go through the third step. Now, I didn't understand because I thought and I had hardwired in my brain, this thought error again, whenever you have these limiting beliefs or thought errors, that I couldn't do it yet. I couldn't forgive myself yet. Because I was afraid. I was afraid that I forgave myself what would happen? Nina, this is what you mentioned, mostly you would do it again? Yeah, I wasn't good enough to forgive yet. I hadn't learned the lesson yet.

Melissa 17:51
Yeah, and that's just total bullshit, right? Like, I think that there is value in like, noticing, like, yeah, if I had the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn't do it the way that I did it. Like, knowing what I know, now, with these new tools that I have, like, I would not choose that again. And I think that's part of the, like, compassion and non-judgment and that type of thing. When I was younger, I was under stress, I was not getting enough sleep, or I was not taking care of my body. Like, let's figure out the underlying why of it. And then, you know, once I start giving myself base, basically, my basic needs back, like how much easier it is to come to compassion and safety. And recognizing, okay, I'm never going to do this again.

And if I do, like, if I start to see myself going down this path, I'm going to be in awareness of it so much quicker than, like getting all the way through it and being like, what the hell just happened? Like, I think just like being aware of our thoughts, and what we're doing and why and that type of thing, and kind of constantly trying to make sense of it, instead of thinking, and this is one of the things that I used to do all the time thinking that like life was happening to me or at me, like, my new belief is that life is happening for me and like all those things. So I think that kind of gets to the, to the last part of it the last step of the thinking myself, like, Okay, if I believe that this actually happened for me, how would I tell the story differently? And how can I thank myself for making that mistake? Because if I haven't, then I would not be the person that I am today.

Vanessa 19:50
Absolutely. And if we can go back to that last step before we get to the Thank you, which is, you know, the fear for an AIC that's fear because you know, It's not like afraid for your life, but it's a psychological fear that you're afraid of right that you're afraid you're going to repeat the same mistake, or afraid that you're not going to learn the lesson. And something I like to tell my students is, whenever you acknowledge something that's happened like that in your life, and you turn that light on, it's like, you know, if you think about all of those different experiences in your life, as rooms, you've got, you've walked through that room, and you've turned that light on. And these types of lights are like these LED lights that never turn off. It's a light that is always on. And once you've gone through this process of seeing it with compassion, and really just like holding yourself, you know, holding yourself like at that time, that's what I needed at that time, that light is never going to turn off. And so for you that are listening right now, you don't need to be afraid, you're not you know, that light will never turn off again.

Melissa 20:50
And so possible to unknown it. Yes, exactly. Once you know what it's impossible to be unknown

Vanessa 20:56
100%. And the thing is this that like, you know, of course, so, here's what happens into your brain, right? This is a little neuroplasticity. So you've created that mistake in the past. And if for some reason you've wired something together, like for me, it was like, part of the internalized racism that I had is white men, and feeling inferior. So the circumstance, white man, I had this like subconscious thought in between that I wasn't as good as them.

And the feeling it would cause was inferiority. And I had, I had practiced that for so long, that and I internalized that oppression for so long, that a white man would come into my life, I wouldn't even have the thought anymore, because it was subconscious, I would just feel inferior. And so once I started doing the work to unwire, that right to undo that and forgive myself, when I'm in and what I've done now, and this is for all of you listening, what happens when you practice something for so long, and it's been in your subconscious is that once you turn that on, it will be on. And it takes time for you to unwire those neurons and create a new connection.

So for example, I was on a business call and a white man was on the other end of that Zoom call. And my initial thought was that I felt my body. And I was like, Oh, interesting, I notice that I felt inferior. But now it's an awareness. Right. So now I can notice. And I can see that thought because it's no longer in my subconscious. And so now I get to choose, how I want to show up in this moment. And so I think that that's the beauty. Yes, of course, that stuff might still come up for you. And this is what I want to say to everybody, but the lights are on. And now you get to choose differently because now you can be intentional about it.

Melissa 22:38
And the beauty of the neuroplasticity is, you know, initially that white man inferior is a superhighway, like, where and then the thought once you get the awareness, I like to think of it as the new pathway is kind of like this Ruddy Road made of dirt. You know, and you're going to notice it and you're going to be like this is uncomfortable, like I should be feeling inferior here. But I'm not like what's happening, there's a disconnect. And then once you keep practicing that and in my estimation, the universe always gives us what we need. So in your case, like it would be continuous interactions with white males. And like you get to practice the new way of being over and over and over again, to the point where that becomes the superhighway. And it's like, white man Vanessa, same same, like no inferiority, in fact, maybe even some superiority, you know, or there's no hierarchy, whatever, however, you want to think about it. And, and then when you start to, like, feel the inferiority, it feels so uncomfortable, then you're like, wait, like, this isn't how we do things anymore. And that becomes the Ruddy Road. And when you're on it, you're it's so obvious.

When you're on the superhighway, it's just like free-flowing, it doesn't feel you know, you don't feel much of anything. On the Ready road, you're like feeling all the suspension, having to work, and that type of thing. And, like that's one of my favorite things with my clients honestly is like, seeing them go from one like the fully formed subconscious belief that they don't even recognize, and like, being able to, like make the steps over to the opposite or something totally unrelated to the point where that first initial subconscious thought they're like, wow, like, I don't even go there anymore. It's so powerful. I love seeing it.

Vanessa 24:38
I really love that analogy that you made about the dirt road that the more you practice that thought the more you pave the road. It's like thinking about it as an investment like the more you're investing in that superhighway. I love that analogy. One more thing I'll say about you know, letting go of the fear is one of the biggest reasons why we have the fear is because we don't want to acknowledge what came up for us and the moments because shame likes to not be acknowledged, because that's how shame is powerful it lives in the dark. And when you're able to say like for me right now, like, Yeah, I used to feel inferior to white people, hello. Like, that's something I've like worked past, you know. And of course, I felt like, of course, I felt inferior. I'm like, a five-foot tall, brown, Latina, daughter of immigrants growing up in the United States, where there's all this, like, racial oppression everywhere around me told me all of the time.

So of course, like, it's like the same thing when women have shame issues around weight, like, of course, like, look at the society we're living in, you know. And so I will just say that when you're able to say that out loud, you just, you turn off the shame, because when you say it out loud, what you're doing for yourself is you're witnessing for yourself. what had just happened, you know, I had a client the other day who told me how she used to hold on to so much and my dad to my dad has a thick accent, feeling like inferior because of the accent. And I, I said out loud, I'm like, let me witness this for you that when somebody reacts to the accent, they're being racist, that is inappropriate. It's like the same thing when I coach women in leadership, and they tell me some bullshit stuff that they've experienced in boardrooms. Like, let's just witness that, like, That's bullshit. That's, you know, some like, and, and I love to still witness it for myself. And so what I want to say is, when you say it out loud, you're able to witness that for yourself. And you're able to hold yourself so high and to acknowledge like, yeah, it's okay. Like, that's not none of that was your fault. You know, I just said, I

Melissa 26:35
think the thing I want to say, too, that it's kind of related to this is you can create your own safety in trying something different, a new way of thinking about yourself or whatever. When you tell yourself, okay, the really the worst thing that's going to happen, when I mess up, or I screw up, or I fucked up, whatever, is the way that I'm going to talk to myself. Like, that is the worst thing that's going to happen. And if I can make the agreement, okay, I'm going to try real hard not to do that, again, anymore, whatever. And when I noticed myself doing it, I'm going to, like, immediately, like, oh, shoot, we did it again, in or in the words of Britney Spears, oops, did again, you know, so it's like, and just like acknowledging that, like, oh, okay, like, I just went down that pathway, I only got a little bit down the pathway. Before I was like, BPP backup, like we're doing it this new way. And I think for me, just knowing like, the worst thing that's gonna happen is, is not actually how anybody's gonna see me. It's not like the words that I say out loud, it's the things that I'm going to say to myself in the privacy of my own brain.

Vanessa 27:54
That is so huge. That is so huge because for so many of us, we've practiced those words of judgment on ourselves for so long, that it's so subconscious, that we don't even realize we're being hard on ourselves. And until I did this coach certification or this, this other coach certification program through Stanford a long time ago, and one of the first exercises that we did was noticing, noticing those words, noticing those judgmental words. And I remember how uncomfortable that was for me because I hadn't even realized how active that part of my brain was because it was so subconscious. And, you know, it's, it's tough, because you're like, Whoa, damn, I didn't realize I said those things myself, you know? And you're right. It's like, once you can say, you know, when you do, like, what if like, when you did catch it, you just chose not to believe it, or what if, when you did catch it, you just chose to notice and separate your core cell from that thinking part of your brain that likes to be judgmental, sometimes, you know, it is just so powerful. And so I love that in this sense of forgiveness, and being on your journey to forgive, it's when a good judgmental part of your brain tries to show up, which is just part of your thinking brain. We all have it. Every human in the world has it, even

Melissa 29:13
though we want it to stay there. We want it to stay there to keep us alive is keeping us alive.

Vanessa 29:19
Yes. So we're oh, gosh, I'm so glad that you said that. Because it's part of what's wired into our brains because it's why we've been so successful and why we've survived and why we've thrived. And I know that for so many people listening, they think that you know, I know that you think you're different than somebody else, you think that you like the Dalai Lama must not have this anymore, or this person must not have this anymore, or whoever you admire, must not have that anymore. And what I will say is that that's just bananas. Everybody has that in their brain. I had this Buddhist teacher who had been growing up in a monastery, you know, I've been a Buddhist monk his whole life and now he's like 57 years old. And I remember him telling me that that still comes up for him and me being shocked that I remember like, Oh, this is it like, this is my moment where I can to see that nobody is different from everybody else. We are all humans.

Melissa 30:07
Yeah, I was just with a bunch of girlfriends in Sedona for the weekend. And we kept saying over and over, like we were, you know, just chatting in like about our families and our businesses and life and that type of thing. And so many times over and over again, we just were struck by the divinity of our lives and the humanity of our lives. Like, like, why can't we celebrate both of those things? Like, I think that's so powerful.

Vanessa 30:39
Wow, that is amazing. I love that so much. I'm gonna hold on.

Melissa 30:44
Everybody has divinity, and everybody has humanity. Like there's no getting away from it.

Vanessa 30:53
That is so beautiful. Absolutely agree with you. Okay, so then you go through those. Take us back to our steps. All right. Yeah.

Melissa 31:00
I love it. You're like a good mom, like redirecting me back.

Vanessa 31:05
Like, seriously, we could I could talk to you forever. So you acknowledge, okay, so you acknowledge yourself, you forgiven yourself? And now then the last step here, which is you think yourself, wow, that is just like, Okay, let's talk about that some more.

Melissa 31:18
Yeah. Yeah, for me, it is, like a daily practice. And it didn't used to be like, I used to have a daily practice of like, beating myself up and being frustrated with myself and that type of thing. But let me tell you, it's a lot nicer to live on the side of thankfulness and gratefulness to all the messy parts of me to all the things that I have done and not done, you know, and that all the things I still want to accomplish. And I think one of the most powerful coatings I got recently was in terms of thinking about my future self, like, say, three years from now, five years from now, and using her as a beacon. Like and saying, like, what would Melissa of 2027, say to Melissa have now 2022 2023? Like, what would she thank her for? And I think it is like, continuing, continually noticing my divinity and my humanity, continually forgiving myself over and over again, continually asking for forgiveness for the people that I may have harmed, or that I'm going to harm, you know, tonight when I lose my temper at my family or whatever, you know. And just, I think being willing to see that humanity. And I mean, imagine a world where people were all forgiving themselves all thanking themselves for their mistakes. Like, it would be such a different place to live.

Vanessa 33:05
Wow. Because when you're able to forgive others, all that does is open yourself up to forgive yourself, when you're able to like love yourself. All that does is open yourself up to love others more. Yeah. So I love that idea. And, you know, one thing I realized, too, that supported me in my journey is in the thinking process. I also close that chapter of me, I'll say to myself, thank you so much for protecting me. Thank you so much for helping me feel like like for belonging, you know, and, you know, I don't need that anymore. And one thing, you know, this has taught through internal family systems is to remind that part of you who you are in this moment, to say, Okay, so now I'm X years old, and now I have that now, this is who I am. And I don't need that anymore. So thank you, but we're safe.

Melissa 33:55
Yeah, so good. I love love, love doing inner child work with my clients. And I love doing it with myself. Like I just picture my gawky, like seven-year-old self and myself and in my like preteen years with my braces and my glasses and my mullet and my, you know, night brace, and like, you know, she was amazing, and like, What can I say to her, that will help us forgive each other. Right? And what can she say to me like, to remind me of what a Ching gonna I've become?

Vanessa 34:35
Totally. That's amazing. I love that so much. That's beautiful. And I

Melissa 34:41
mean, it goes to Schwartz's work, right, no bad parts. Like if we truly believe that we have no bad parts, like there is no harm and forgiving all of those earlier versions of ourselves.

Vanessa 34:56
So beautiful. It just brought tears to my eyes for you to say that because if I Are you that are the same if you really believe that there are no bad parts, it's all just lessons. It's all just like learning. And every part of you exists for a reason. There's like so many times that I could have forgiven myself if I had realized, you know, I think about the shadow part of me, you know, and what that part of me needs and how it shows up. Now, you know, I know for me, the shadow part of me shows up with anyone I've worked with, with assistants that are my assistants, like through either virtual assistants or my admin assistants, or that shadow part of me shows up and I have to like, acknowledge, like, what is it that that part of me needs right now or need? You know, because it changes the dynamic, like, I'm ready to show up for my, my relationship, my assistant differently once I've done that shadow work, you know.

Melissa 35:50
And I mean that to get to metta, but you can also forgive yourself for not forgiving yourself quickly enough.

Vanessa 35:57
I know this, it's like, I love the meta stuff. But yes, totally. I love that so much, Melissa, this has been such a joy, thank you so much for making time to be here with me. For all of our listeners, it's so beautiful. So just as a summary, oh my gosh, of course, anytime I'm gonna have to have you back to talk about something else. That's super meta, your recent trip to Sedona because I know where you were doing that we could talk about that experience later. But just as a summary, so when you are on this journey to forgive yourself, you start with curiosity, start with curiosity, and see that, see that version of you, you know, for who it was, and really acknowledge and thank them at that moment. Thank you for that, because that's compassion, right? Yep. And from there, acknowledge that that light will always be on that you don't have to be afraid that you can say I'm okay, now, you know, and acknowledge to let it go.

Melissa 36:53
I have to say something else. The other thing I think that a lot of my clients are worried about is that they're going to turn on a light and like, find something that they didn't know about. It's like, no, no, you already know all this stuff. It may be subconscious, but, and like, how better to be held in that moment, by someone who loves you and isn't judging you? And, like, sees you as the amazing human that you already are. Like, you can't, like try to try to argue for your limitations with me when you're my client. Like, I'm just not going to have it. Yeah, so yeah, sorry, interrupt. Oh, that's

Vanessa 37:31
okay. You know, just, you know, just to expand on that a little further, when we think we don't know, it's so interesting, because what we're doing is we're afraid to turn that on to our conscious, but our subconscious knows in our body knows, our body always knows, you know, our body holds all of the trauma that we've had. And that's why those neurons like even though it was in my subconscious, why, you know, I would see that circumstance and it would cause a reaction in my body because your body always knows that activation right away. Yeah. And so I will say that, for all of you listening, if you are afraid to uncover something, just know that your body's loving that trauma every day. And when you uncover it, what you get to do is you get to heal that, and you get to let that go in your body release. Yeah, so important. So and then the last thing you said was thank you and I totally agree with you. And I'll just add the Thank you. And, and, and just closing that chapter. Thank you. And I'm okay. Now, you know, thank you, and I don't need that anymore. Thank you. And I'm okay.

Melissa 38:32
Yeah, so good. So and then the other thing I would say real quick, is that anything that the chapter is not quite ready to be closed, it will come back. Like you don't have to worry that you're going to leave it unhealed somehow, like if you're willing to be open to it, like it'll keep coming back until you actually finally learn the lesson that you need to learn and heal it.

Vanessa 38:57
So true. There's like this attitude of mindfulness, which is just trust and surrender, you know, like, trust that this is what came up for you trust that if it needs to come up again, it will, you know, and just surrender to the process. Just let it be.

Melissa 39:10
Yes. Which we're not very good at. No, control enthusiast. Struggle with surrender. is the key.

Vanessa 39:20
He literally all right, my darling. Well, thank you so much for being here. Tell everybody how we can find you. For those that are like Melissa is amazing.

Melissa 39:29
Thank you if you're thinking that I received that already. So yeah, you can find me on Instagram @coachMelissaParsonsMD. You can find me on Facebook at Melissa Parsons Coaching. I have a website melissaparsonscoaching.com And my podcast is “your favorite you” which you can find on any podcast app that you could possibly listen to.

Vanessa 39:52
Amazing. Well, thank you so much, my darling. It's been a pleasure to have you here.

Melissa 39:56
Thank you. It's been a pleasure to be here and I will come back when I for you

Vanessa 40:01
amazing all right hey sweet friends, if you love what you're learning, then you've got to join us on the journey. It's my all-inclusive program and the best community out there giving you the education you never knew you needed to help you create a life you love. Join us at Vanessa Calderon md.com forward slash join. I'll see you there.